She Searches for Joy
She’s up most days by 4:00 am with coffee and laptop in front of her staring off into the dark morning on the other side of the glass. She grapples with thoughts, and chastises herself for picking up broken weapons and fighting battles behind her. She thinks she should know better by now.
She searches for joy even before the chickens are up because she knows it is her life line to be in her day. She longs for the definition and the perception and the beauty of it all.
She leaves the white Christmas lights strung up in her kitchen lit so when she wakes and shuffles down the dark hallway she sees them. They draw her in with their comfort and subtle ambiance. But when she is honest with herself she fights with light, and she fights with joy. She fights to let light shine through her broken spaces, and she fights to be at home in her skin. Abandonment will do that. Especially during this dreaded and beloved time of the year.
But He woos her in this Advent season. She thanks Him for making her who she is, and she curses Him for who she is not. She fights long and hard in an inner war against the shoulds, coulds and woulds to love herself. She fights against magazine covers, the mirror and posts to claim her worth in something higher than the eye can see. She walks in that space between acceptance and misunderstanding longing for relief from anxiety and confusion.
She does not know that she is closer to the everlasting joy she searches for with every breath she breathes.
She does not recognize that she inhales joy with every breath she takes because she walks in who she was created to be. The days she lays down her blunted weapons and walks in reckless love and abandon is a day the battle is won. When she is thankful for being at home in her skin and she is restfully anchored to His promises she is at a joyful rest; emotional and spiritual rest. When She acknowledges the great I AM and all He is the darkness loses interest because it has no power when the light of joy shines in. She has defined and perceived the beauty of the joy. The abandoned turns to the retained and the Advent continues to come.
1 Peter 1:8 & 9
8 Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory,9 obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.