“Have your mom call me ASAP, it’s an emergency.”
This was a quick phone call between my grandmother and myself. These words made me feel like my heart dropped to my stomach, then fell out and hit the floor. I had a conviction that this emergency was going to be about my older brother.
The next day, I wanted to get details of what was going on, so I asked my mom.
“The doctor diagnosed your brother as a paranoid schizophrenic.”
I didn’t have a response. This didn’t surprise me, I didn’t know exactly what was wrong with my brother but his behavior that I would just describe to others as strange caused us to have a strained relationship for the past several years. I encouraged him to get help, but that would just cause us to have even more heated arguments.
He chose to act like everything was fine. He chose to ignore the counsel of those who loved him.
Two days later, my mom went to go visit him in the hospital and said we all had a role to play in his condition.
“How?” I asked trying to keep a respectful tone. I was confused on how she could possibly say this when all I ever wanted for him was to get professional help.
“Well, he was opening up about things in his childhood and he feels like he was never fully accepted by your dad.”
My dad and brother never had much of a relationship, I always figured it was because they weren’t biologically related. This was something that was never brought up or acknowledged out loud.
While she was talking I felt myself getting upset at her, because I felt like she was blaming my dad for the reason he had this mental illness.
“You say that like his father wasn’t the first person he has felt rejected by. We can’t just start pointing fingers and act like my dad is the root to all my brothers problems.” This was another thing we never talked about. My brother has never met his biological father, and was someone we never mentioned.
We were both looking at each other. I was waiting for her to respond.
I sat and my mind began to think of all the “family outings” that weren’t really family outings. Where there would be my dad, mom, younger sister, younger brother, and myself, minus my older brother. Or it would be all my younger siblings, my older brother,myself, and my mom, minus my dad. I felt like every dinner, every vacation, every picture without the six of us was a lie. I also know this couldn’t be fixed by the two of us having a conversation, it would take all six of us. I know it may take some time and possibly multiple conversations but I believe that’s what is needed for my brother and everyone to heal.
Feeling like an outcast to the world is one thing, but among your own is something completely different and traumatizing. Home is where you are supposed to feel loved the most, and he didn’t. The feeling of rejection caused him unimaginable pain, and provoked him to turn to the outside world looking for love and to fill a void. He forgot the world could never truly love him the way Jesus did.
No matter what one is facing, they have to choose Jesus. He is not a fleeting feeling. He is real and constant, never changing and patient. Jesus can take your deepest sorrow and heal you if you choose Him.
He will never reject you, you are made in his image and likeness. He can’t reject a part of Him. Not only will He give you the love that you need, but his grace will over fill you.
“You’re not good enough.”
“You’re not accepted here.
“You’re too different.”
No matter how you word it, rejection hurts. It is the act of denying someone of who they are and telling them they aren’t good enough. This in turn causes others that feel rejected to go inside of themselves and pick away at the parts that weren’t accepted by someone else. They will try to create someone new for the world, and not keeping what God gave them because the world didn’t see it to be good. The mind will start to question every part of the body, and personality traits God uniquely picked for you to have. This could cause an unmeasurable amount of worry, doubt, fear, anxiety, and delusional thinking that could lead to mental illness.
The feeling of rejection is one of the hardest to get over, but one will face it at some stage in their lives. It is unavoidable on this Earth, even our friend and Savior Jesus felt it while He was here.
“Why am I not good enough?”
“What about me wasn’t acceptable?”
“What should I change about myself to fit the mold?”
Do not ask yourself these questions.
Do not turn to the world for false and temporary solace.
Remember Jesus loves you.
Thank God for making you uniquely who you are.