NOTE: The following blog post was written mid-summer 2016, but Alexis wanted to wait til she was at a better place emotionally to share.
This has been the toughest, hardest, most heart-breaking, difficult, confusing, and
challenging year of my life. Losing my father was the biggest tragedy that I have ever
faced (and ever hope to face). But that’s just it: I LOST my father, and in losing him,
rather than getting LOST in God’s presence and restored in His affection, I lost some
other things along the way too:
1) I lost track of time.
Days turned into weeks, and weeks blurred together. Before I knew it, months had gone by, and I COMPLETELY ran away from God’s presence. I was afraid that if I spent alone time with God, I would have to sincerely face my grief. At times, I gave up on prayer, because deep down inside I thought, that since He didn’t answer the prayers I prayed for my dad, He might not answer other prayers in my life (I was wrong).
2) I lost emotion.
Because losing my dad was — like I mentioned — the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, every other pain or emotion has paled in comparison. In other words, I feel as if because I experienced so much emotion in losing him, it’s almost as if nothing else is worthy of producing feelings for me (this is definitely wrong), but it has left me stoic and apathetic and unable to properly honor the blessings in my life.
3) I lost the capacity to give.
Such a gaping hole and void was created in my heart and life, that I feel like I have exhausted my own resources and capacity to give. A person can’t GIVE if they have nothing to offer … and I feel like I have NOTHING to offer. Why? Because of what I mentioned in numbers 1 & 2. God is the only one who can sufficiently pour into me, so He should be my source, however, I lost track of time when I avoided spending time with God — and now I’m empty. God IS love, and how can I love OTHERS if I don’t first run to God and receive His love? Because I failed to run to Him, it eventually led to losing EMOTION.