Motherless, but not Fatherless

Genesis 50:20 (NLT)
You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.
          As I left the hospital that day, I couldn’t get the incessant sound of the respirator out of my head. It was the last time I would ever see my mother “alive.” Traveling home, memories of the previous seventeen years played as if on fast forward in my mind. Then, they quickly shifted to the present and future.
          Wait-I was starting my senior year of high school in less than a month! What was really happening and did I truly believe all that I had claimed since my eighth year of life on this earth?
That was the year I gave my life to God.
          All these circling questions followed the words from the doctor proclaiming my mom was brain dead. It didn’t even seem real. Alone in my room and adjacent to the very place where I had held her hand and waited for the paramedics to arrive, I prayed one of the most difficult yet true prayers I’ve ever spoken in my life.
“God, have Your Will.”
          I knew exactly what I was praying, what it meant, and most of all that God’s decision may not be what I wanted in this moment. Despite the gravity of the prayer, I was fully prepared to accept His final word on the situation, even though I couldn’t fathom my life going on without my mother, my best friend.
          After all, just a few days ago, we were sitting in church together on a beautiful summer night. The problem was there was a hidden issue that I wasn’t aware of. My mother had developed high blood pressure after giving birth to me. For over a decade, she had not been taking her medication and that night, the inward damage resulted in a catastrophic result: a clot in her brain over five inches in diameter.
     So here I was, standing at the edge of her eternity. Following that prayer, my father and grandparents went to be by her side when the machine was turned off the next morning. I just couldn’t go. I just couldn’t stand to hear the beeping, the air compressing and then deflating again. The truth is: I was convinced that I would never stop hearing it ring in my ears. My family graciously allowed me to stay home, but unfortunately, it is a decision that I have questioned countless times since that day, and I can only pray her spirit was already with Christ.
          Saturday, we buried my mother, surrounded by wonderful family members and friends. But, that wasn’t the most difficult part of the process. When the memorials were over; when family and friends returned to their lives; and when school resumed for me, life was far from what I had known.
           I experienced so many ups and downs during the grieving process, but I can honestly say that the one constant was Jesus. He was closer than ever before. Comforting me to sleep, giving me such peace in the middle of my sorrow, and giving me the strength to keep my grades up during undoubtedly one of the most trying years of my short life. His mercies and goodness too many to tell in this written blog!
         It was in the summer of 1989 — (the year, not the Taylor Swift album) — that I stood in front of my mother’s gravesite and had an internal conversation with myself. I very consciously told myself that I would go on to graduate high school in less than a year, pursue my teaching career, graduate college, get married, have children of my own, and that one day — one day I would stand in that same exact place with my children and tell them what a beautiful, God serving woman their grandmother was when she was here on earth.
     And that’s exactly what I’ve done, only through God’s amazing power. Twenty-seven years have passed since that summer and I can honestly testify that God has been with me every single step since then. His footsteps have never left my side. In fact, there are many sections in that path where the only footprints left were His, because He carried me.
     When you endure a tragedy such as losing a parent, the pain is acute in comparison to Christ. I am so thankful that MY God is greater, MY God is stronger, and best of all, MY God conquered death and the grave through His unmatched sacrifice and resurrection!
One day, I will see my mom again and never have to separated. So, to my friends and community here at #LetsBFrank, remember you are NEVER alone. We are here for you, but most importantly: God is with you. He will not leave us or forsake us.
     You see, I may be motherless in the world’s eyes, but I am not Fatherless. Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ. He fills my void with the great expanse of His love.


Lori Perkins
Lori Perkins is 44 years young and mother to two amazing daughters. With a BA from the University of North Florida, Perkins and her husband team up in their passion of Martial Arts, instructing youth on the importance of self-defense and self-discipline. Sometimes Lori answers to “Mama Dojo.” When she’s not practicing Martial Arts, you can find her singing, training her beloved German Shepherd, or serving in ministry at her home church.


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